The Cannon Mess

This Musing is LONNNNG overdue. In our lifetimes we experience not only events that shape our times but, more importantly, people as well.  It’s those very unique, never again individuals that bring an enrichment and thus a realization of how fortunate we were to have lived when we did.  Such is the case with Steve Bernard Cannon.  He will never be equaled. 

Steve Bernard Cannon was born in Michigan and grew up in the northeastern Minnesota's Iron Range Town of Eveleth.  He chose to work in radio to avoid a life of working in the coal mines.

In addition to his brief sojourn at KGO in San Francisco, his journey took him to radio stations in Mason City, Iowa, and Minnesota stations in Stillwater, Bemidji and Duluth. In the Twin Cities he worked at WLOL and at KSTP for 13 years. After KSTP rid themselves of the Babe Ruth of radio personalities, WCCO immediately put him behind their microphone where he remained as their afternoon drive time host for the next 26 years.  All totaled, Cannon spent some 40 years entertaining Twin Cities listeners.  

Cannon was a master of theater of the mind.  It was this precious element that allowed radio to once dominate American psyche and entertainment.  This mastery made him the most talented radio personality of the era.  

“The Cannon Mess” and all the “lil’ Cannons” was perfect for the end of any day, especially if it were stressful.  “The Cannon Mess” Theme Song – “What D’Ya Mean You Lost Yer Dog” - as performed by “Emile Stern and the Eveleth City Marching Band,” is still viewed with mystery, frustration and anger in that it never received a Grammy Award.

Cannon dubbed himself the "king of the kilohertz, the prince of the airwaves.” The dulcet tones of his rich baritone voice resonated from the “basement studio” where a single light with an on-off pull-chain hung from the ceiling by a little cord, as he guided us down the “boulevard of broken hearts” (University Avenue - probably a reference to the many fired by KSTP and Hubbard broadcasting).  

“Good Neighbor to the Northwest,” WCCO’s tag line designed as the stations image builder, was often referred to as the “Evil Neighbor.”  The station was notable for running what seemed like endless commercials.  As such, Cannon also dubbed his show the “planet of the tapes” (“2001 commercials in the next 4 hours”) and often referred to the station brain trust as the “crack management staff.”  If there was anything about the station that irritated listeners, Cannon was aware of it, and played with it to the sheer delight of his audience.  It was also common knowledge that Cannon was never pleased with the contracts that WCCO demanded he consider.

Then there were all those “lil’ Cannons.”  They became the real stars of the show.  They were regular in studio co-hosts that he bantered with.

Ma Linger was the aged, endearing, flirtatious sex kitten. Only Ma Linger thought about sex more often than the average heterosexual American male.  Ma once showed up in the studio wearing a leather miniskirt, dark hose, four-inch, high-heel shoes,  and a cute “little” silk blouse.  When asked why she was dressed so provocatively, she told Cannon that she had a date that night.  Her boyfriend, who was a good friend of Pooh Richardson, was taking her to the Timberwolves game.

Morgan Mundane was the street-wise bookie and undisputed snooker champion of the world.  He hailed from the college of “Way-Back” and was the editor of the “congressional sports record.” His Friday sports prognostications were, and still are, viewed as legendary.  The weekly wisecracking predictions were always highlighted by “America’s greatest college football fight song” - “Fight on for Ole” which always evoked; “a crick in the knee, a frog in the throat and a tear in the eye” as performed by the Eveleth City Marching Band, with, as always, the“Genial Amile Stern wielding the baton.”  To this very day NO ONE knows for sure who Stan Brocanocowitz was.  Looks like we’ll never know. 

Morgan: “Marv Albert had another press

               conference in New York today, with da

                reporters screemin’ at ‘em”

Cannon: “So what did they ask him?”

Morgan: “So one of them says;” ‘So what do ya

              think about da pink slip?’ “And Marv

              says;” ‘I hope it fits.”

  

Backlash Larue was the over-the-top, ultra-effeminate men’s clothing and civility consultant and commentator on current culture and trends.  Backlash had a flare for the gaudy. Common recommendations for attire included fur cuffs, pastel colored sport jackets (purple, pink, chartreuse) and scarves – lots of scarves.       

Cannon’s talent was so immense that there where those  who never believed that these co-hosts where all Cannon voiced characterizations that sprang from his incredibly talented vocal variety, radio production expertise and fertile imagination.      

We mustn’t forget Cannon’s wife, “Nanook of the Norge,” Morgan’s brother Maurice and his wife Mona and, of course, their kids; Denise and De-nephew or “Hurley’s Hanging Garden.”

It is doubtful Cannon would find his way onto radio today.  Cannon was fortunate to have lived at precisely the right point in time.  He was perfect for the era. It was when personality radio ruled the air-waves.  It was this era that allowed Cannon to take advantage of his talents - his creativity and imagination all born from a quirky off-beat human make-up.  It was when radio was the only place on earth where the proverbial square peg could actually fit in a round hole.  A program director once told a fledgling broadcaster that he would never hire someone to do a show if they had both oars in the water.  Cannon certainly fit that description.  

Early in his career Cannon was hired as a morning announcer and salesman at the Stillwater, Minnesota radio station.  He had absolutely no interest in sales.  He took the job to hone his skills behind the mic. He would do his morning show and then leave the station to make his sales calls.  Cannon found it far more palatable to spend afternoons napping in his car at a local park. This helped offset the sleepiness from the demands of early morning rising.      

Cannon was a very private person.  He would go to, sometimes, great lengths to protect his privacy.  He was most uncomfortable around strangers and would often times be viewed as aloof or arrogant because he was difficult, if not impossible, to engage.  He meant no offense; he just couldn’t be who he wasn’t. 

His contract with WCCO clearly stated he did not have to make Minnesota State Fair appearances.  To do so, would require engaging fairgoers (total strangers) in conversation and his self-consciousness naturally precluded the use of all his co-hosts. 

Cannon’s small windowless studio at WCCO was once damaged by fire.  As a result, he was forced to do his show in the main studio.  The staff at the radio station had to cover the windows with paper so no one could view him as he worked on-air. 

Eccentricity has long been a hallmark of our greatest entertainers.  Steve Cannon was no exception.

Cannon also had an intense side.  He was repulsed by deception and injustice. He didn’t hesitate to point them out on both the national and local levels.  Whether you agreed or disagreed with him there were unmistakable qualities that consistently resonated in his commentaries.  He was a big believer in “do unto others…”, compassion and fairness.   

And there were stories.  Stories about people.  Everyone from Frank Sinatra and Marilyn Monroe to many of the local personalities within the Twin Cities and Minnesota. Stories about past experiences and bygone times and places.  Stories about current activities and locales.  They were marvelous.

Steve Cannon encompassed the full gamut of personality radio.  He managed all of this without ever uttering a vulgarity or being mean-spirited or callous in any manner.

We lost Steve to cancer on April 6, 2009 at the age of 81.  The loss still conjures up heartache.  Just one more commentary by Morgan on Calvin Griffith or “Da Vi-Queens” is now out of the question.  Yet remembering this extraordinary talent also conjures up all the joy he brought into our lives and an exhilaration that still resonates to this very day. 

Cannon may have bragged “I got the money.” But we, his nostalgic and forever grateful listeners have something far more valuable to brag about – for we; got the memories.